I have put a lot of pressure on myself to make my time here
significant. I feel as if there needs to be one huge, life changing thing that
happens…something that makes it “worth it.” I felt this pressure before I got
here, and I fought it because I don’t want to try and make this time in my life
fit into the mold of what I have seen others experience in similar situations.
God is unique with each of us. He made us. He knows how to pursue each of us,
and I know my time here is just another step in His pursuit of me.
Every day is another part of the journey towards becoming more
like Christ. To be honest, I don’t really feel much like Him at the moment. I
honestly don’t always feel saved. Some days I can’t make sense of the Gospel
and others I really just prefer to do what I want rather than give
consideration to what the Holy Spirit might be saying to me. As someone who has struggled with doubt in the
past, I have to force myself to look at Him when I doubt. I can’t save myself.
He did/does all the work. As I was reminded at church on Sunday, He does the
connecting. The point was made that some of us have spent years trying to be “saved”
when the work has already been done. I work and work to make my prayers and
quiet time feel a certain way. I can feel Him pursuing me, and I feel myself
resisting. There’s this constant struggle between wanting to know more truth
and knowing that “more truth” will most like draw me out of my current comfort.
I feel on the edge of spiritual breakthrough. I’m not sure
whether that will look like a new revelation or just a renewed confidence in
who He says I am. I really don’t pretend to understand how He works, although I
do fall into the terrible habit of imagining how He might work.
All that to say, He is up to something. I just hope I’m
ready.
Cheers,
Gabi