Confessions of a Drama Queen

If I had a dollar for every time I told God that I was gonna change, I’d have more money than faith.

All the fighting and striving to earn grace that is already mine, but lacking the realization that I need saving.

But from what? Why exactly do I need saving? Am I really destined for something greater or worse than myself?

OR is this all just an elaborate scheme to find some purpose in the meaningless abyss that is my life.

Walking without purpose and seeing but not loving.

I claim to know love and define it within my small thinking and excuse it from existence with my selfish thoughts and ignorance that disguises itself as bliss.

But if I really knew the truth my life would be a mirror.

Without a glass I can’t know what I look like…what is the marker. Where do I stand?

Behind the faith of my mother? Or perhaps within the shelter of my father.

But when does something become real?

The encounter that changes. You see they say that if you truly encounter God then it’s impossible to walk away unchanged. But define change.

I’m not about emotion, but I know what I feel and change is not the first thing that comes to mind.

I see bitterness and confusion...doubts and apathy that cloud what I was designed for.

My self-pity has filled the mirror with visions of only myself…

 People pass but my lenses have been focused to see me. So who did the adjusting?

Surely I am not capable of becoming so immune to the Gospel that I no longer see the need for a Savior. No…not me…never…surely not.

 Oh but yes. The girl who grew taller in the church yet never grew up. I am still an infant. I only cry when I need something…never aware enough to recognize that someday I have to grow up.

 

Eventually it will hit me. At least I hope. I’d be joking if I said I knew who I was. And I’d be lying if I said that didn't bother me. But not knowing is almost easier.

 

I ignore the things I can change and focus too much on the things that I can’t.

 

God you don’t know what you’re doing. Yeah you see me, but there’s no way you know me…me…the real me.

 

No see God I don’t think you get it…this isn’t what I asked for.  Surely these thoughts place me on an island.

 But no. One thing comes to mind; I’m NOT God.

 To think I serve a God who allows all of these thoughts to cross my mind and reveals to me the truth through the doubts.

 

His greatness is not restricted by my inconsistency.

 

I can’t remember the last time I  just listened…stopped being the artist and put myself in the audience.

 

I’m too busy trying to run the show…and want the lights on me when God never promised me a spotlight.

 

Excuse the cliché, but I’m meant to play the background.

Honesty forces me to admit that I have no idea what is going on. I read and feel nothing. Pray and hear my words bounce off the walls of my room and realize I need to spend time with Him, but apparently earthly things have ranked themselves higher on my list.

 

An hour spent on getting ready physically, but on the inside I am ugly. If people only knew my heart.

 

Goodness…good thing they can’t see that…oh wait…my actions reflect its condition.

So through it all I am reminded that this isn’t about me.

 

The beauty of grace is that it’s not my responsibility to earn it. In fact I can’t earn it.

 

And when I feel inadequate and like a failure, I smile because it reveals to me the heart of my Savior.  

Nothing can separate me from His love unless of course…no! NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME.

Yet doubt and trust are confessed within the same breath. How can that be? Lord, you’re good…but how good?

At the end of it all, I don't need to know everything. Nor close to it. I just need to know one thing:

 

He is sufficient.