When final's week arrives I tend to spend most of my study time thinking back on the semester. I do this more because it is simply better than studying, but I feel like this week is when it all comes together for me.
As I was working on one of my take home finals tonight, I was overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment as I was thinking back on my life this semester. The Lord did use me in many ways, but these past four or five months have been filled with snoozed alarms and late nights filled with nothing but dead air. I maybe had 5 times where I sat down in pursuit of Christ this semester. I think what makes me sick is the idea that I can look back on the semester and be pleased, but at the same time know that it could have been 10 times better if I had fully used the power that Christ has given me and forgotten about my own agenda.
As I was feeling pretty down tonight, I looked on my desk and saw the journal from this summer in Colorado with encouraging letters from each of my fellow classmates. I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to open it and just take a gander. As I read each of them, it was as if they were written for moments such as this. It is incredible to think that six months ago God was preparing encouragment for me in this moment. Some made me laugh, some made me cry, and others simply made me smile. After reading those letters I felt God's love. Guilt is not of the Lord, and it is a tool of Satan's and many of the letters warned against the tactics of the devil and encouraged me to be aware and have discernment when these times come. While I know guilt is not of the Lord, I know that His grace is sufficient, but truly I want to know my Savior.
I know the struggle of pursuing things of the world will not end as long as I am on earth, but I would love to eliminate as many distractions as possible. It's overwhelming thinking about tackling all of my struggles, but if I think about it, it as simple as pursuing Christ. The other things will fade in the light of Him...duh. These aren't new ideas or anything. I've known these things for a long time, but I'm just legitimately drained from the pursuit of fulfilment in earthly things. The beautiful thing about Christianity is that it truly is a journey. I don't know one Christian who would say they have 'arrived.'
To any FLI people who may be reading this thank you for continuing to impact my life. Your posts on our facebook group provide me with little chuckles throughout my day. You guys truly are a blessing to me, and I am so thankful for the summer I had with y'all. :)
While I can look back and feel guilt, I also smile. I have seen growth from the first day of the semester to now and can honestly say I am a different person. It is just proof that God can work despite our inconsistency. I feel like every prayer I pray these days concludes with me thanking God for His faithfulness because He truly is the only constant in my life and His love does not depend on my actions.
I just love that I can look at my life, feel completely stupid, then look at Christ and be filled with joy because He died for my apathy, inconsistency, jealousy, bitterness, selfishness, etc...and doesn't see all of that when He looks at me. He paid for all that junk, and I'm a new creation.
-Gabi